Liman honored at annual Genetic Engineering toaster for Pitt-Jolie spawn
RealNews.com
By Murlin Evans
LOS ANGELES, CA -- In a move sure to rattle human rights watchers worldover, the Genetic Engineering arm of Monsanto Corporation bestowed top honors on "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" director Doug Liman, Friday for his casting of species-perfect specimens Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt in the same movie.
The move, as disclosed at the invitation-only dinner, was the culmination of a protracted experiment by Liman, a recreational geneticist, to deliver Pitt's sperm to Jolie's vaginal tract.
Liman was named Alpha-Plus Man of the year, a tongue in cheek reference to Aldous Huxley's A Brave New World, in which happiness and prosperity are achieved through the selective controlled breeding of genes from "superior" human specimens.
"It wasn't like they hit it off right away," Liman joked with the audience of 1,500 scienists, researchers poultry farmers and show business gliterata attending.
The result of Liman's work, the Pitt-Jolie recombinant Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, was born last month in Africa.
Liman explained his methodology which involved the unlikely last minute inclusion of a "pajama scene", a Columbian heat wave and the well-timed services of a native foods catering company.
"We must have shot the pajama scene over 100 times. Each time they were soaked with sweat so they had to change for a reshoot," Liman added, "That's when all that psychedelic shit got laid out."
Around this time a smorgasboard of local mind altering jungle snacks was delivered to the cast and crew by local Bogota catering company Comida de Gatitacabezas (food for the little cats in our heads).
"Some of it looked legit, like taquitos, wet taquitos," Liman continued. "Some of it looked like multi-colored llama vomit and some of it looked like boiled tree bark. We were starving so we didn't care."
After consuming the spread, which included 3 dozen ergotized wheat cakes, 4 dozen tacos made from opium poppy capsules, a variety of multi-colored mushrooms and 10 gallons of cocao tea, shooting had to be postponed after Jolie and Pitt decided to wander to a nearby waterfall au naturel, according to sources close to Real News.
"A gaffer was doing a dance interpretation of the New Testament, the grips were convulsing with grief about their families back home and I was handing out fifty dollar bills to anyone who would let me pee on them," Liman gushed, "I'd say things were out of hand."
Ted Lozzano, Chairman of Human Modification for Perfection in the Performing Arts (HUMPA), a Monsanto affiliate group which advocates for best practices in promoting selective breeding of attractive actors and actresses, presented Liman with the award and lauded his achievement.
"May Liman's outstanding work stand as proof that real progress toward aesthetic perfection in cinema need not be realized by the sterile means of genetic modification, splicing and dicing alone, " Lozzano said, "but with the right casting decisions and the environmental introduction of high powered narcotics, nature simply takes her course."
2005 Alpha-Plus award winner Dakota Fanning was again absent from the Friday gala. Fanning, who was shooting War of the Worlds on location with Cruise and was believed to be the focus of an intense "character channeling mediation" by Cruise the night before he successfully delivered code into Katie Holmes’s deposit box, has consistently denied any ties to Monsanto or any of its affiliates.
